Sunday, December 05, 2010


Now that I have gone and finished my classes and my externship, my main goal was to try and find a way to provide for my boys. Some people may think that it would be easy now that Lj is home and settled but that is far from the truth. It was very difficult. Lj has started occupational therapy as well as physical therapy. Lj needed to have these therapies everyday plus his medication schedule and feeding schedule that I've had to go by like it was the Bible. With all the responsibility that was piling up on me at times I felt overwhelmed. I felt alone and that no one understood what I was feeling or that I needed help. I would get on line and apply for jobs. I was phone interviewed twice. One for a medical assisting job and the other was for sterile processing tech. I was passed up for both positions. I knew that I needed to get my certification in Medical Assisting and maybe then someone would consider me for a job. I felt that having my certificate of proficiency wasn't enough. I knew that it was going to be difficult to study with Lj and Andre because they were my full time job. With Andre being diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety and ADHD and the difficulties Lj was having by being a preemie, I didn't know how I was going to get this done. I knew that if I got a job I had no one who knew Lj's care plan well enough care for him nor the money to pay someone. On the other hand I knew if I didn't get a job I was going to loose my apartment. I was in such a mess. I couldn't sleep and I had no appetite. Stress and worry became my best friend.


All of my responsibilities were not being met. My rent has been behind for months, my utilities have been behind for months and my kids are at risk for being put in the cold because I couldn't take care of my responsibilities as a provider. My oldest was having trouble in school because he was so worried about me and the fact that at night he would hear me cry when he was supposed to be sleep that he couldn’t concentrate on what he needed to do in class. I felt so guilty once I found out that he knew what was going on. I had been trying to hide it but he spoke with a teacher who got in touch with me because Andre had burst into tears during class. I started to feel like a failure. I felt my kids did not ask to be here and that it was my duty to make sure that they were happy. I felt hopeless. I began asking for help but I wasn’t getting any help. I applied for all kinds of help and sometimes was denied because of my Worker's Comp issues. I felt like giving up but giving up is not a part genetic make up and it is definitely not what my children deserved.


I knew that I was going to have to do something. I started studying for my certification. Every time Lj took a nap I had my books. Late at night I hade my books with me in bed with Lj sleeping next to me so that I could watch him. Lj was still having feeding issues and still threw up into his nose so the idea of him sleeping alone was not a good idea. I still was online applying for jobs. I go online everyday still applying for jobs at University Hospitals as well as Metro Health Hospital systems. I have put in over 25 application requests on each site. I was still taking Lj to all of his appointments as well as meeting with his home care nurse for weight checks and all of his different therapy people to make sure that Lj was progressing in his developmental delays. I wasn't going to give up. I even asked for donation here on my blog but I no longer asked because I was told that it was not a good idea. I was even accused of using my children in a negative way to get help. That was so heartbreaking. I cried and pulled myself together because I want to make it for my children and I wanted to share my story with others in hopes that it would give someone else strength. More bad things started to happen to me the harder I tried but I didn't give up I tried harder. To Be Continued..............

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