Thursday, December 09, 2010


Well it almost Lj's first birthday. In his first year of life he has been through a lot. Just recently he was diagnosed with Obstructive Sleep Apnea. He still suffers from severe GERD and is still developmentally delayed a little. He has 4 teeth and his fifth one is coming in. Lj has sleep issues as well as digestive issues that cause issues throughout his everyday living.

As a parent I still have a lot of difficulties caring for Lj and my older son Andre. With passing my CMA exam I am still looking for employment. I am still trying to figure out how to keep a roof over my children’s heads. When I come home at night from wherever I had to go during the day, I always fear having an eviction notice on my door! It's scary not knowing when your next source of income is coming from. It makes me feel terrible that Lj won't get to have a big 1st birthday party like his big brother. I cry a lot when I think about the things Andre has gone through as well. He use to have nightmares about me and the baby passing away. He went almost 2.5 months without seeing me. I came home on Christmas day for Andre to open his gifts and to bring him to the hospital to see Lj for the first time. I have devoted my everything to give my boys everything and I feel like my issues have kept me from doing that. But I’m not going to give up!

Sunday, December 05, 2010


Now that I have gone and finished my classes and my externship, my main goal was to try and find a way to provide for my boys. Some people may think that it would be easy now that Lj is home and settled but that is far from the truth. It was very difficult. Lj has started occupational therapy as well as physical therapy. Lj needed to have these therapies everyday plus his medication schedule and feeding schedule that I've had to go by like it was the Bible. With all the responsibility that was piling up on me at times I felt overwhelmed. I felt alone and that no one understood what I was feeling or that I needed help. I would get on line and apply for jobs. I was phone interviewed twice. One for a medical assisting job and the other was for sterile processing tech. I was passed up for both positions. I knew that I needed to get my certification in Medical Assisting and maybe then someone would consider me for a job. I felt that having my certificate of proficiency wasn't enough. I knew that it was going to be difficult to study with Lj and Andre because they were my full time job. With Andre being diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety and ADHD and the difficulties Lj was having by being a preemie, I didn't know how I was going to get this done. I knew that if I got a job I had no one who knew Lj's care plan well enough care for him nor the money to pay someone. On the other hand I knew if I didn't get a job I was going to loose my apartment. I was in such a mess. I couldn't sleep and I had no appetite. Stress and worry became my best friend.


All of my responsibilities were not being met. My rent has been behind for months, my utilities have been behind for months and my kids are at risk for being put in the cold because I couldn't take care of my responsibilities as a provider. My oldest was having trouble in school because he was so worried about me and the fact that at night he would hear me cry when he was supposed to be sleep that he couldn’t concentrate on what he needed to do in class. I felt so guilty once I found out that he knew what was going on. I had been trying to hide it but he spoke with a teacher who got in touch with me because Andre had burst into tears during class. I started to feel like a failure. I felt my kids did not ask to be here and that it was my duty to make sure that they were happy. I felt hopeless. I began asking for help but I wasn’t getting any help. I applied for all kinds of help and sometimes was denied because of my Worker's Comp issues. I felt like giving up but giving up is not a part genetic make up and it is definitely not what my children deserved.


I knew that I was going to have to do something. I started studying for my certification. Every time Lj took a nap I had my books. Late at night I hade my books with me in bed with Lj sleeping next to me so that I could watch him. Lj was still having feeding issues and still threw up into his nose so the idea of him sleeping alone was not a good idea. I still was online applying for jobs. I go online everyday still applying for jobs at University Hospitals as well as Metro Health Hospital systems. I have put in over 25 application requests on each site. I was still taking Lj to all of his appointments as well as meeting with his home care nurse for weight checks and all of his different therapy people to make sure that Lj was progressing in his developmental delays. I wasn't going to give up. I even asked for donation here on my blog but I no longer asked because I was told that it was not a good idea. I was even accused of using my children in a negative way to get help. That was so heartbreaking. I cried and pulled myself together because I want to make it for my children and I wanted to share my story with others in hopes that it would give someone else strength. More bad things started to happen to me the harder I tried but I didn't give up I tried harder. To Be Continued..............

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Home Again


Now that we have our results we can get ready to go home. Lj's dad had finally gotten back from his training classes and Lj and I were getting ready to be discharged the next day. Of course before we left Lj had to see a nutritionist, have his labs checked and one last look over before being discharged. Lj still went home on an apnea monitor but he had different medications. We had to give him a polyvitamin plus Iron because he was anemic. We said our final goodbye's and we were off. It was time to go home the next day.


Now that we were home it was time to establish a schedule. It was easy at first because Lj had a schedule set from being in the hospital. But as weeks passed it began to change. Lj was confused about night and day, so I was always tired and grumpy. Lj began to see a developmental specialist with the Help Me Grow program and he started physical therapy too.  Lj was visited by a nurse twice a week for weight checks and I think once every two to three months for his Synergis shot. Lj was a quiet baby, he was calm and mellow until it was time to eat. He slept during the day and was up most of the night. Lj was dependent on me for everything. I took on most of the responsibility since Lj's dad went to work. I was tired and exhausted but I didn't have time to be tired. I had to suck it up and keep going. My oldest son was going through a tough time in school so I was attending meetings to get him situated in class. Lj was still vomiting everywhere and the monitor was still sounding at times. Being at home without a nurse was scary at times. Especially those times when Lj would throw up into his nose and would be struggling for air.


By the time I got back in the swing of things it was time for me to go and finish school. I had to finish my practicum class and to do my externship. I was supposed to be contacted when it was time to start by the school director but that didn't happen. I finally called and was told that where I could have taken my externship was now not available because I was missing a vaccination due to the fact that I was pregnant when I stopped going to school. I was upset because if I could have taken my externship where I was suppose to at first I could have potentially gotten a job after finishing my externship. I had 1 week to prepare to go back to school. I didn't want to leave my baby and I didn't have a babysitter either. I couldn't afford one if I had one anyway so this was an inconvience. I had to find someone quick who could give Lj his exercises and know his feeding and medication schedule ASAP! I had to find someone that I could trust with the safety of my little preemie. Well fortunately Lj's dad was able to switch his work schedule to work second shift until I finished my class and externship. I was nervous because I was always Lj's caregiver and I had his schedule set. I had to go to class once a week on top of finishing my externship which was 220 hours. I would even go in on Saturdays to try and get finished. I like the office. It was a learning experience and the people in the office were fun. I did finish and on my last day of my externship the people in the office said that they hated to see me go. The office manager wished she could hire me but there were no positions opened for me. So for now there went my job opportunity right out the window!