Thursday, November 18, 2010

Why so much guilt!!

At the end of Lj's Journey part 2, I mentioned that I felt guilty for baby Lj being born so early. I felt guilty because in the beginning of my pregnancy I was a busy body. I was trying to finish school because I wanted to be better at being able to provide for my oldest son Andre. Andre at this time was only 8. He was my reason for doing all that I was doing. I was going to school full time while recovering from the last 2 surgeries. It was hard being in pain in class trying to find ways to get focused. Andre at the time was going through a lot himself at school and as a mom I felt it was important for me to put what I was going through to the side and focus on him. Now the bad thing was the fact that I was so stressed that Andre knew that I was going through a lot. He heard me cry at night because I didn’t know when I was going to have some type of income coming in so that bills and rent would get paid. He knew that we could be loosing our home soon. He knew that I couldn't work because doctors did not release me for work. He new that bills were pilling up and that the stress and strain of the cost of living was weighing heavy on my head. When I found out I was pregnant I was scared and I didn’t know what I was going to do. The stress began to weigh in so heavy because my son wanted my full attention and I didn't know how to balance everything out. At about 12 weeks I began to bleed. My boyfriend and I were at the hospital every other week it seemed. Then we got the news that I had a hematoma, which is a large blood clot. It was between my placenta and the amniotic sac. Then I had to have a special ultrasound. It showed that I had a second amniotic sac that had nothing in it. I was told that I had to come every two weeks to be checked out. What was hard for me to take was the fact that I had been put on best rest which interfered with going to school. I would go to school everyday that I had class. I was determined to be finished before the new baby came so that I could provide for both my children. Well nature had a different plan. I began to bleed heavily so I was put on permanent bed rest. The doctor told me that I better make the decision to withdraw from school. I broke down and cried because I went back to school because I needed to be retrained for a different job position at the hospital I worked at. So this was tough for me to deal with. I told myself that I was going to keep going because I was in my last round of classes and then I needed to do my externship. But the doctors, my boyfriend and my doctor snapped me out of being a provider and on the track of thinking if I don't withdraw I could hurt my unborn baby. Well we can see that the bed rest did not keep my little one from being born early. So this is the reason why I feel so guilty for him being born so early. Once he was born and was released from the NICU, I did go and finish my last couple of classes and I finished my externship. I made the Dean's list and had a great review from the doctor's I externed with. Meanwhile I am applying for jobs. I sit for my CMA exam on November 30,2010.With all the help that I have been denied, I'm pushing forward. COMING UP NEXT... Lj's Journey part 3


  1. Wow, mama! You are so amazing. It's so hard not to feel guilt over our preemies' early arrival, but if I had been in your situation I would have done the same thing. You went on bedrest when you needed to, and did your best to balance BOTH of your sons' needs. THAT's a great mama!

  2. Do not feel guilty for one minute for being a busy body earlier in your pregnancy. You could not have predicted what was about to happen. And you were trying to provide for yourself and your son. When I had to go on bedrest with my first pregnancy I wanted to blame myself, but thank God my family snapped me out of that. Pregnancy is unpredictable.

    You were doing what you needed to do.