Saturday, November 27, 2010

Back At Rainbow's

I remember pulling up into the parking lot of the hospital and looking up and seeing the Rainbow on the hospital sign. I started thinking that I would have to witness more tests. I thought to myself, I’m going to have that feeling of not being understood and loneliness again. I remembered the smells of the different testing rooms. I remember the sound of the heart rate monitors, the IV machines, the beeps of the feeding tube. It all came rushing to me in that parking garage. I burst into tears for my baby. I burst into tears because I knew that no matter what, I could not keep Lj from having to go through it all. I cried so hard that my stomach caved in and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I started asking GOD to please give me strength because I can't take this anymore. I asked if he could take my health and give it to my baby. I felt like I would do anything for Lj not to have to suffer anymore.


When we arrived to our room on the 6th floor. Nurses and doctors began to examine his small framed body. He cried because he was aggravated. He had to have another Modified Barium Swallow. Which still showed Laryngeal Penetration. Nurses came in and told me that Lj would have to have another Pneumogram without the PH probe this time. I remember crying because the memory of Lj's scream from the time he had the test before was as loud as a freight train in my ears. I remember how he tried to fight to get out of the straps that held hid little body to the procedure table. I remember thinking he was looking at me thinking, Mom why are you just standing there do something. Save me! I began lashing out in anger asking why did another test have to be done. Why couldn't something else be used to help diagnose what was going on with him. I was angry that I had to bring him back in here. I felt why don't you know what is wrong. You should have never let him go home if you didn't know what’s wrong.


The day before the test was given, Lj's dad found out he had to go out of town for a training class for a couple of days. Once again I had to face this alone. We talked on the phone while he was gone but I needed him there with me. I remember the nurses told me that Lj couldn't eat for three hours so that they could place the probe back into his throat and then another 12 hours after the probe was placed. I felt once again I’m not leaving my baby in this room alone, but once I saw those straps I broke down crying and the nurses kicked me out the room. I stayed on the floor and when I heard him cry I cried even harder. I remember looking out of the window and wished that someone was here for me to lay on. The person that I loved was miles away and I was here facing what I felt was the worse thing in the world. I prayed and gathered my self and went back into the room. My son looked at me with wet face and red eyes and I just took my hand and caressed his soft hair and apologized to him. I said I was sorry for bringing him here and making him go through so much pain. I told him how precious he was to me. I kissed him and vowed that I would always love him more than myself. To Be Continued..........


  1. Hello, saw your tweet and had to come visit. I am sorry you're having to go through this, and relive the hospital trauma. I went through something very different, but I know what it's like to relive things.

    LJ is just beautiful. And you seem like an amazing mom. I hope he has a speedy recovery.

  2. Aww.. I couldn't even imagine thru this. It's always heart wrenching to see your child in extreme discomfort and not be able to do anything about it. I wish the nurses would have tried to comfort you instead of kicking you out the room though. That's your baby and it's only natural that you'd get very emotional.